by Doug
I had a special relationship with my soul mate of 44 years. Not just any relationship, but a fortress built over time, by trial and error, fortunes and misfortunes, understandings and misunderstandings. Not just a friend, lover or a partner but a “Personal Safe Zone. “
I like to think that I was always in control of my life, but the fact is for 42 years, I had a co-pilot. When I shut down, another voice of reason could take over. Someone with the most intimate knowledge of my perspective could offer up another way of looking at things, agree or disagree with my most personal thoughts or actions.
With a sole mate inflicted with FTD/PPA, as time progresses, when questions need answers, when there a need for a second opinion or when you’re just looking for support, confusion or silence becomes more and more prominent. There may be someone there, but it is only a shadow of what once made you whole. Your co pilot stops helping you chart your flights, fly around storms or pull up out of wind shear. The autopilot only works sometimes. Eventually we know they will even miss the flights. A loneliness can set in that can make even the strongest feel as if they were the last person left on Mars.
I found myself trying to keep both of us so busy that we could never think of being alone. Did a pretty good job of it most of the time, but from time to time I would just wear myself or both of us out. Fatigue, sleeplessness, physical issues of any kind can and will present roadblocks. Over planning can lead to unexpected stress. Stress and fatigue can lead to bad decision making or saying things to others that should not be said. Balancing thoughts and actions during these times is challenging.
Loneliness can easily be self-imposed by alienating others for not doing what you think they should be doing. It can happen to family members, friends, acquaintances or people you work with. The key is to try not to spread despair and hopelessness. Tough job for caregivers and those who have been inflicted with neurological deficiencies. It is not like you have to be a 24 hr smiley face. Some reflection of the burden that you are tasked with can show, but try to keep no more that 10% of your conversation to others out of your support group or family.
Keep social, do not wait for a call. Call to inform your friends or they will slowly become distant, moving to what may be considered safer, easier relationships. Everyone has sad things happening around them, they take care of what is closest to home, sometimes not. The key is to not begin to feel that you are the only one with problems. Ask how others are doing.
How do you protect yourself from loneliness?
Document your thoughts prior to expressing them to others. This helps to protect yourself from saying the wrong things in public. A thoughtful review of your feelings can help spare yourself from the anguish of self-imposed loneliness. Keep your mouth shut. Wait 24 hrs then review. Time changes perspectives.
The difference between depression and grief? Grief is a natural human response to loss, and a result of the emotions a person feels when someone or something that is loved is no longer there. Grief usually moves in stages, resulting in acceptance and a person eventually feeling better. Depression, however, may have no identifiable cause and can last indefinitely.
Loneliness hurts my heart and my very being. Know that no one can fully escape being alone. Happiness is a choice. You can learn to fulfill that choice with those you invite into your life.
